Not TGIF – Maternity Leave Ends

12 weeks ago today, with little advance warning, we rushed in the middle of the night to our birthing center. I went upstairs, a bath was run, I got into the tub, and my baby slid out a few minutes later. And just as quick as she was born, our special time together is over, because it’s here. The end of maternity leave. And I do not want to budge from this house today.

Birth center sisters

Inside, waves of panic strangle me because the last thing I want to do is abandon my child to the care of strangers for over 9 hours a day. I do not want to let her out of my arms. I want to hold her forever. To nestle her next to my chest and feel her baby breath on my skin. I don’t want her to cry and be comforted by another woman. Or worse yet, ignored.

I know I’m the one who made this bed and now I have to lie in it. But it’s going to be a tear-soaked, debt-stained bed. Especially since my 12 week old refuses bottles and pacifiers and swaddling – anything the daycare could offer as a comfort, she hasn’t shown any interest in accepting. I worry for her and I worry for her caregivers and I worry for me – how will I subject her to this every day and not lose my mind?

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So I had to put this in perspective.

God gives food to the birds of the air, and He tells me He’ll do the same for Me. I have no want for food. Even with meal planning, I have thrown away a lot of food at the end of the week. Oh yes, He has provided.

God clothes the lilies of the field and He has assured me that He’ll clothe me. And He has. So much that I have clothes in three closets and spilling out of our dresser. He’s kept that promise and then some.

God didn’t tell me that He’d give me everything I’d ever want. He said he was going to take care of me, and He has.

God calls us to trust Him, but that doesn’t mean we can’t grieve the possibilities. And so I do. I grieve, but I trust.

And it’s becoming easier and easier to trust because I’m actually listening to Him. I’ve opened my heart and my eyes and I’m listening with them. At completely random moments, a sense of peace will envelope me, and I knew it is Him comforting me. With a sweet baby cradled next to me, softly suckling, I feel answers. even if I don’t understand them. I am washed with calm, as if He’s leaned in to tell me that it will be alright. I’m becoming keenly aware that his answers are everywhere. He’s telling me “you may not understand, but I do. And I have got this. I have got you. Do. Not. Worry.’

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I know that is all a post of its own, but I want to link up with Lisa Jo and her Five Minute Friday link-up. The rules are simple: she provides a writing prompt and you write for 5 minutes flat, without editing. Today’s word is nothing.

There is nothing I want more than to stay home today. Every day. Nothing is more important to me than my children. My family. Nothing will come between me and them – not even a job that I dedicate myself to because God says that, whatever I do, I am supposed to do it in the name of the Lord.

Which means that some days I come home and I feel like I have nothing left to give. And some days that means I barely try. But even on those days, I do still try.

Because there is nothing I can do to change my circumstances today. At least for now, I have to work.

There is nothing I won’t do for my girls and I mean that so earnestly, that I am ready to get rid of 100k in debt just as quickly as I can. For them. And not feel punished or upset about it.

There is nothing than my girls can’t do, but I am going to teach them that there are some things not to do. Like, if you want to be a astronaut (like I did), that’s all well and good. You can do it. But be sure to afford your dreams.

Stop.

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6 thoughts on “Not TGIF – Maternity Leave Ends

  1. “God calls us to trust Him, but that doesn’t mean we can’t grieve the possibilities. And so I do. I grieve, but I trust.”

    I can relate to this thought, and I love how you phrased it. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for you to head back to work and leave your littles. I never had to do that when my kids were that small. But, I know many moms who have and God has protected their children and their families. Continue to trust. All will be well.

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  2. Thinking of you today and wrapping you in a big cyber {hug}. Your faith is strong and will grow stronger through this trial. I know God has a wonderful plan and I feel like one day you are going to be home with your girls. I know if that’s what your heart desires and what He is laying on your heart, He will make it happen. For now, keep resting in His peace and love and promises. He never breaks them. Blessings, friend!

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    • Meredith thank you for the hug and remembering to stop by today. I think you are right – I think He will call me home to the girls soon. I feel as though He’s asked for my patience, which is not my strong suit, but I’m trying 😉

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  3. It’s true – we can trust and grieve all at the same time. I’m in the opposite boat – called to be home, but grieving the job I loved and left behind for our littlest man. It’s hard being a mama! Your girls are so incredibly blessed to have you and they will see the sacrifices you have made for their good (and yours) and to the glory of God and they will praise Him.

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    • Oh Andrea, I still relate to you in your opposite boat. We moved two years ago, leaving behind my job I dreamt of since sixth grade. So not for babies, but for my husband. Being a mom *is* hard (and, too, a wife). Prayers for your life to have just the right balance – whatever it is. Thank you for stopping by!

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