Talking about being in debt and cutting back and budgeting is such a downer, I am trying to write about even a small success on each Saturday. But if you have some really great “I have overcome” financial story, I’d love to share it here.
This week I am proud to say that we did not run back to the store for anything. No, I didn’t completely stick to the meal plans, but because I had purchase back-up meals, we were able to rely on them once or twice. Hooray for not going back to the store!
As for going back to work, of course the baby and I survived (note, however, that it am eating ice cream for breakfast as I write this). I had to turn around a few times before we were actually on our way, but I’d left home plenty early, so that was even ok. I dropped the girls off and I heard the baby crying as I left the daycare. Guilt and dread filled me, and my legs felt like lead as I walked out the door. It feels so wrong to turn your back on your crying child. She was crying for me.
Since the baby hasn’t been taking a bottle well, I didn’t defrost much milk (it has to be used in 24 hrs and I’m not going to bottle feed at home). The daycare called me at 1 pm to say they only had 3 ounces left. That was probably enough, but I ran over the results from my two pumping sessions and…I saw her. The staff had her wrapped up and put her in a bouncy chair, with a teacher sitting in front of her, bouncing her to sleep. I knew they’d told me it was often too hectic to rock a newborn to sleep, but… Couldn’t she do that now? How is bouncing her to sleep any different? I felt so sorry for my little one – probably only touched when she takes a bottle or needs a diaper change. She’s not even three months old yet and she’s practically abandoned. Neglected. That is how I feel.
When I returned after work, she was crying and the teacher told me she had just finished three ounces, so she wasn’t really sure what the matter was just yet. I took her to a private corner of the room, bounced her on my knee and got two huge burps. She nursed for a few minutes after that, then unlatched, looked at me and smiled a huge smile. And then she laughed. And then she BAWLED … I’m sure she was thinking “momma, what did I do wrong? Where have you been?
She cried much of the way home (not an insignificant drive), but was happy inside the house. I rocked her to sleep and then laid in bed with her for the rest of the night, sleeping and nursing.
The actual work part was ok, too. I was missed. Two people pulled me aside for an hour each to tell me what has happened without me, and my boss has big plans for my future. Um, ok. Everyone wanted to ask about the baby. Sigh. One day I’ll want to crack out baby pictures, but not the first day. It’s too raw.
So, we made it. And I’m still praying for a way out.